Decompress

I was really looking forward to going to this annual retreat with my church this weekend, but alas, I got sick. Yes, I know... weaksauce.

Actually, during the middle of last week, I started having second thoughts about going to retreat because random stuff kept coming up as schoolwork kept accumulating. A friend emailed me,

"... you should go to retreat. Not that Jesus would love you any less if you didn't. It'll be a good chance to decompress and spend some quality time with God, other folks and undergrads (if you want) :P"

Well, of course I wanted to decompress (who likes being compressed anyway?) and spend quality time with God... and I love getting to know other folks, especially undergrads! So I decided to keep pushing myself to study like crazy and ingest large quantities of CVS Airborne. On Fri morning, I carried my toiletries, clothing, and sleeping bag to class so that I could leave directly after school. When my classmates asked about the luggage, I excitedly shared with them that I was going on a retreat.

Sadly, as the 6 hr lecture on wound care progressed, I grew dizzy, nauseous, and rather snotty. And so I came home and slept for 19 hours.

I used to hate getting sick so much. I hated how it kept me from doing everything I had planned. I hated being behind in school. I hated having to spend money on Dayquil/Tylenol/Ibuprofen, and I hated how it kept me isolated from people.

But being sick really is the best excuse to do absolutely nothing and just rest. I knew in my head that I don't need to go to a retreat to decompress, spend time with God, and build community... and I guess God forced me to experience it first hand. This weekend, I basically just drank soup + OJ, talked to God, listened to worship music, and watched tons of How I Met Your Mother. And I did my laundry. And I got to chat with 2 good friends over the phone.

I constantly struggle with constructing endless lists of ways I fail in not studying enough, not keeping in touch with ppl well enough, not loving enough, judging ppl too much, stressing out too much, ... But when the body breaks down, I am faced with the choice of either (1) moping over all that I can't do on top of all the ways in which I fail or (2) realizing/remembering what's important-- You, and just You. God, it's not only that You can do all that I can't do and be all that I fail to be, but that my relationship with You is what gives me all that I am worth.

I know, I still need to re-seal my window, mail in those checks, clean the apt, studystudy, shower, KIT w/ peeps, etc etc... but my weakness really forces me to seek You for strength even in the littlest things. And in doing these littlest things, I want to draw nearer to You...

Thanks for letting me decompress all weekend...

from Shadow of the Almighty

I found a very subtle snare in doing so. I sought their fellowship in order that I might minister to them, 'be a help,' you know, to these 'weaker' ones. What a rebuke came when I sensed my real motive-- that I might minister. Love hacks right at this, for she refused to parade herself. I learned to recognize no 'spiritual planes,' but simply to love, purely, in every group. Trying to 'be a help' even has a smell of good works in it, for it is not pure. Our motive is only to be-- just to be a sinful bit of flesh, born of a Father's love. Then you see, Beloved, there can be no defeat.

pg 99-100

I pray for you, that all your misgivings will be melted to thanksgivings. Remember that the shadow a thing casts often far exceeds the size of the thing itself (especially if the light be low on the horizon) and though some future fear may strut brave darkness as you approach, the thing itself will be but a speck when seen from beyond. Oh that He would restore us often with that 'aspect from beyond,' to see a thing as He sees it, to remember that He dealeth with us as with sons. Amy Carmichael's words come to me:

'He hath never failed thee yet.
Never will His love forget.
O fret not thyself nor let
Thy heart be troubled,
Neither let it be afraid.'

pg 118

Crucial Last Bits

So, I'm finally finishing the 2 books I started 16 years ago... (jk... more like 3 months!)



The Cost of Forgiveness

"Forgiveness cost God His Son on the cross, but what does it cost us to forgive one another? Forgiving costs us our sense of justice. We all have this innate sense deep within our souls, but it has been perverted by our selfish sinful natures... We must realize that justice has been done... In order to forgive our brother, we must be satisfied with God's justice and forego the satisfaction of our own."

- Jerry Bridges, The Practice of Godliness

[Addendum] Coincidentally, P Larry spoke about forgiveness today during service. He noted that trying to forgive someone can be a form of suffering... His wife shared her testimony to the congregation, definitely helped me see how forgiving can be a life-long journey... it can be just the "thorn" God leaves in our lives to draw us closer...

Worship: An Inward, Spiritual Experience

This is small chunk that helped me come to peace about the 6000 denominations in Protestant as well as the Catholicism v. Protestantism tension that's been going on in the Jiang family...

"... the New Testament is not a manual for worship services. Rather, it is a vision for missions in thousands of diverse people groups around the world. In such groups, outward forms of worship will vary drastically, but the inner reality of treasuring Christ in spirit and truth is common ground."

- John Piper, Let the Nations Be Glad

Question about Knowledge

In heaven, do you think we'll have the knowledge of good and evil?

Darn it... I love these!

from http://health.msn.com/nutrition/articlepage.aspx?cp-documentid=100241048&page=2

8. WORST BOTTLED COFFEE

Starbucks Coffee Frappuccino (13.7-ounce bottle)

• 290 calories
• 4.5 g fat (2.5 g saturated)
• 46 g sugars

Add one of these to your diet every morning and you’ll add about 28 pounds of flab to your body in a year.

"We are not meant to be seen as God’s perfect, bright-shining examples, but to be seen as the everyday essence of ordinary life exhibiting the miracle of His grace."

- Oswald Chambers

Thoughts on Isaiah 6

I never realized just how intense of a man Isaiah was.

Yesterday I was reading Ch 6. That chapter has been pretty inspirational to me, especially this past year. It reminds me that even though God may not call me specifically for a certain task, I need to be developing a willing and ready heart... and that there may times He will enable me to step up to do something nobody would want to do.

For the first time (-__-), I paid attention to God's instructions to Isaiah. God told Isaiah to speak words to the Israelites that would harden their hearts towards Him. God basically sends Isaiah to turn people away from Him and thus destroy them for eternity.

When I think about things God calls us to do, I think of loving Him, loving others, spreading the Good News, and spreading His name. I think of His call for each of us to be salt and light wherever we are. And I think about the hope we have in predestination: that because of God's sovereign will to save, there will be harvest whether we live to see it or not.

Yet with Isaiah here, God sent him to basically do anti-missions! God sent him to turn people away from Him and guaranteed that "cities [will] lie waste without inhabitant, and houses without people, and the land [will become] a desolate waste..."

-___- I had never realized the depth of Isaiah's faith. I saw his willingness and readiness, but not how his faith was grounded in God's character rather than His actions.

Of course it's awesome when I can give thanks and praise for what God can do, but deeper intimacy with Him should lead me to worship Him simply for who He is. I guess it is logical, then, for Him to care more about who we are (our hearts), than what we do...