Reminders and Epiphanies

I'm in the clinic 10 hrs/day M-Th, and these days are bookended by 80 min commutes. As a newbie student in the clinic, I feel like I'm constantly on the go and constantly being challenged.

My favorite part of each day is when my Clinical Instructor takes me aside after a new patient's initial evaluation and asks, "So what do you think is going on?" It's after we've gathered all the data we could within an hour through talking with the patient and taking objective measurements. It's when we try to pinpoint the underlying biomechanical dysfunction and/or pathology causing the patient's current state of disability. I present my tentative diagnosis and rationales, and then my CI shares a much more eloquent and comprehensive explanation. She blasts me with epiphany, basically. It's pretty fun :)

On my 80 min train/bus ride to the clinic each morning, I try to read through daily devotionals. But I can't seem to soak in the reading the same way as I can on a day like today, the beginning of my weekend.

I just read this in a World Vision Lent devo:

Hope is not an excuse to do nothing; it’s a reason to do what we can now, knowing that God is the restorer, His kingdom will come in due time.

So true.

Yet it scares me how easily and quickly I lose sight of why I do what I do. I can go through the motions of planning a night of bowling & fellowship to connect undergrads with young adults in Dorchester. And I can do all the busy work in preparation for monthly respite nights servicing Chinese families affected by Autism.

But why?

Sometimes doing these things week to week become just tasks to check off. The overarching visions no longer move me emotionally.

Then I just notice more immediate effects of my efforts - praise from people, recognition, the sense of accomplishment. These things aren't inherently evil. But when they're all I notice, they become all that I seek to sustain me through the week.

Sometimes I can sense pride rising up in me. It really saddens and discourages me because I know that God hates it. It "contends with His supremacy", as CJ Mahaney puts it. And I can sense how it dampens my relationship with Him :( It's frustrating because I've tried and I can't just will away this sense of pride or force myself to feel differently.

So I'm thankful for days like today, when God graces me with the ability to soak in His Word and His truth. Reading Job 38 helped me visualize and remember who God is and... well, how tiny & dispensable I am. How lucky I am to be a small part of all that He is doing... :)

Reading Revelations 21:1-7 reminded me of His vision for this world. It drew me into deeper yearning for that complete restoration of this depressing, messed up world... the restoration that only God can accomplish.

These two passages reminded me of this greater hope, and it fuels me to continue living each day knowing God is God and that He will restore.

As mentioned earlier, hope and truth aren't what always motivate me to do the things that I do. And I know God sees all the pride, filth, and messiness in my heart... to an infinitely greater extent than I can see myself.

Yet in prayer, He reminded me that He loves me???

He still loves me. That's just bizarre.

I wish that every single time I lay eyes on Scripture or engaged in prayer would be a moment of dramatic reminder + epiphany. But in this season, I'm just really thankful for these 3-day weekends that provide me with time to ruminate and listen. And I am thankful for His gracious provision of peace, purpose, and strength that sometimes follow.

... may my life make your great heart glad today.